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Monday, December 08, 2003
this week is finals week. which of course, sucks. my finals don't start until wednesday which sucks even more. i've been studying like no other since friday but i won't be done studying til this friday. so it sucks. hah. everything about finals suck. after finals, time to celebrate. if only...
it seems like i'm riding a never ending roller coaster. going up and down, round and round. when will it stop? i just don't know. why can't i be happy? always uncertain, always stressed. people talking smack. people all curious. err. it irritates the f*k out of me. about time i let it out. i'm not the same person i was last year. it's noticeable. damn, i went out a lot last year. went downsouth 5 times and now, never. partied at least once a month and now, hardly. what is up with that? maybe that really wasn't who i am. maybe who i am now is really who i am. or maybe i'm going through a reallly long phase. maybe last year i was like that cause no one knew who i was, i was able to start over. and now, this year, i'm different. what changed? i don't know. maybe i'm back to who i was before. introverted. maybe i just need some self-reflecting. so many maybes. so much uncertainty. sometimes i just want to be alone. people just take it the wrong way. just let me be. i am who i am. things change and people change. something that must be accepted in life. there's so much stress this year. but i'm handling it. i'm handling it my own way. i know i can get through this. it'll just take time. i miss my grandma. i miss home. i'm really starting to not like having a car. sometimes i wonder if i should live back home. help out at home. have my own car. have my own room. then other times i think about the freedom i have here. it's hard to choose. i'm so confused. after finals, maybe i'll let loose and let all this steam out. for now, i'll study and wait for wednesday to come. which is two days away. what luck. dang, it was so weird some nights ago. ever get that feeling when you're surrounded by a lot of people but that's when you feel the most alone. that's how i felt. it was such an uncomfortable feeling. i wanted to get out of there. but i had no escape. i'd rather be alone by myself than be alone with people all around me. but don't worry about me. i'll be okay. i miss my high school friends. i miss being hyper. no worries.
my relationship is still going strong and so is my faith. that's what's keeping me grounded. thank you.
okay, that's about it. GooD NiTe!
Mae 6:25 PM
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